3 Mindset Shifts to Actually Enjoy Networking

One of my best bosses ever used to have us go sit by the ocean when we needed to have important conversations. He believed in "shaking up the scenery" to get us into a different mindset than how we showed up as our usual "office selves". It worked well. We would take the short drive over to the water, and be able to talk through things with fresh eyes.

This same approach applies to networking.

Let's talk a bit about this word that so many despise, "networking", and why summer is a great time to build your relationships. 

I hear the same discomfort from so many different people: "Networking is transactional", or, "I really don't like talking about myself", or, "It doesn't feel genuine".

These responses reflect an opportunity to update and redefine how you see networking. Networking is simply building new relationships and nurturing existing ones. Developing relationships is a skill and an art, and it can be done poorly, or well.

Like most skills, it starts with your mindset. When we create a mindset that is healthy, insightful and positive, we can then do the messy work of skill building until what we are able to do in practice matches the vision we have in our heads.

What networking isn't:

• Superficial conversations that lack genuine connection

• People solving your problems

• Relationships that create value fast

To change your mindset and redefine the term for yourself, you may even need to omit the word networking from your vocabulary altogether. Or you could do a quick mental translation—when you hear the word, you replace it with "relationship-building".

At its core, networking is connecting with others. A helpful and positive mindset looks and sounds like:

• "I'm looking for people who I have chemistry with."

• "Building a relationship takes time, effort, and many interactions."

• "When I'm authentic and I have fun, I enjoy getting to know people."

• "Each new person is an adventure - I don't know where knowing this person will take me."

Thinking back to my boss and shaking things up with a change of scenery—let's use this principle to approach your relationships with a breath of fresh (summer) air.

The warm weather brings an ease with it. This can make it a great time to begin new relationships or deepen existing ones. 

Here are 3 mindset shifts you can make to use this special time to spark connection:

1. Enjoy the relationship for what it is—no need to put pressure on it or force anything. 

Relationships have a beginning and a middle, and sometimes an end.

When we have a transactional view of networking, we can show up, unintentionally, with the expectation of some sort of tangible benefit right away.

Sometimes there may be an opportunity for a direct exchange that you both recognize and want to capitalize on. If so, great! But this is rarely the case.

When we show up without expectations, and instead enjoy the process of getting to know the person, you allow the natural chemistry and things you have in common to emerge. You can be curious about each other and learn from each other.

This is the basis for a real relationship, and one that bears fruit for both of you over time. Nothing to force, no pressure—just seeing where each interaction takes you. Over time, you'll get to know each other and be able to find ways to help each other.

2. Look for opportunities to give.

One of the most common anxieties I hear is: "Oh god, but I need a job NOW and I can't show up to this coffee just feeling desperate." Or, "I don't see how this coffee is going to get me a job." Or, "I feel bad because I don't see how I can add any value for this other person."

Part of the art of building relationships is looking for opportunities to give. But, don't worry so much about tit-for-tat giving. Another way of keeping networking as transactional in our minds is the pressure we put on ourselves to keep networking as a 1:1 exchange. 

A healthier, and more realistic mindset looks like this: think of networking as a big pot of soup. Sometimes, you will put things into the soup. Sometimes, you will need to take a few bowls of soup for yourself even thought you're not in a position to put anything into the soup in the present moment. 

Relationships are not tit-for-tat. They are more about, "Hey, I can help you right now, so I will." 

That person may help you in the future. Or they may not. Perhaps someone else will help you. It's about looking for opportunities to continually give and contribute to the people who you can help.

Sometimes you'll be able to help someone who has helped you. Sometimes one person will help you and you'll help someone else. Big picture: If we all keep helping each other when and where we can, we will all benefit.

3. No matter how you meet, deepen the relationship in a way that feels comfortable and enjoyable to you. 

Many times you'll meet someone at a bigger event. You'll talk to many people, but you'll feel a real spark with one or two. One of the most common mistakes people make is thinking that one interaction at an event is going to equal a relationship.

Meeting someone at an event is just the beginning—it's how you met. You deepen the relationship by getting to know the other person better over time. 

Which means you can do that in a way that feels enjoyable to do. Do you prefer to continue the conversation over coffee? Evening drinks? A morning hike?

Sparking the next step in the relationship means that you can propose a variety of ways to continue talking. And of course, this means putting some of your favorite options onto the table, which will increase your comfort level and your ability to be yourself.

Finally, the more genuine the relationship, the more meaningful it will be to both of you. Find ways to connect with people informally, and in non-work settings to get to know them on a real level. So have that meal or that coffee somewhere beautiful, or at the very least outside during summer and fall. Let your surroundings infuse ease, enjoyment, and spontaneity into how you interact with this person.

You'll walk away with something new—an insight, a resource, or an introduction—even if you can't anticipate what you'll gain at the outset.